March 26, 2021
Random thoughts of a mindless person - ep.1
I don't have the wit to write something funny or truly compelling. I don't even have the vocabulary to do it, to simply reflect my mindset, and express my complex mental state. The thoughts are overwhelming, changing, disturbing. They always accompany me, preventing me from concentrating on what really matters, on the moment. They decide. They make the rules. I shall just abide, like a puppet not in charge of its own life. Like a mindless spirit, a robot who has been programmed - quite badly - to obey a dysfunctional control centre.
Sometimes, the puppet awakens and seems to have regained an autonomy, thoughts of its own. It's free, happy, reckless. It feels like the world is at its feet, as it is ready to paint the town red. Reckless, because now it's free, it is not ready to abide by anyone else's rules.
Random thoughts of a mindless person - ep.1
I don't have the wit to write something funny or truly compelling.
I don't even have the vocabulary to do it, to simply reflect my mindset, and express my complex mental state.
"reflect" seems unusual here. You can reflect *on* or *upon* things, consider them. Otherwise, "to reflect something" generally implies acting in some way as a mirror. It's clear you're writing artistically but it's not clear *exactly* what you want reflect to mean.
The thoughts are overwhelming, changing, disturbing.
They always accompany me, preventing me from concentrating on what really matters, on the moment.
They decide.
They make the rules.
I shall just abide, like a puppet not in charge of its own life.
"shall" here seems to imply "I have decided that this is what I will do". That this is in some sense deliberate, and also that the decision to do this is a recent one. If you just want to describe the way you are, without expressing the decision to be that way, then "I just abide" would be more appropriate.
Like a mindless spirit, a robot who has been programmed - quite badly - to obey a dysfunctional control centre.
Sometimes, the puppet awakens and seems to have regained an autonomy, thoughts of its own.
It's free, happy, reckless.
It feels like the world is at its feet, as if it is ready to paint the town red.
Or "that it is ready"
Reckless, because now it's free, it is not ready to abide by anyone else's rules.
Feedback
A person who writes something like this in a foreign language is not a person who lacks wit or vocabulary, it seems to me. You have expressed complex, abstract ideas confidently and with some artistry.
April 17, 2021
Thank you so much for your detailed corrections, and you're encouraging feedback! <3
I do have to find a better word to replace "reflect"... i meant, in a way, that i don't have the words to express my feelings in a precise way, accurately.
I am learning a lot thanks to your comments!
April 17, 2021
Glad to help :)
You definitely could use "reflect", you'd just have to fiddle with the structure a bit. "I don't have the vocabulary to write something that accurately reflects my mindset." So it's the text that reflects, not you.
Other words that might be useful: characterise, describe, explain, present, represent, portray, illustrate, define, deconstruct, dissect, examine. Probably dozens more.
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Random thoughts of a mindless person - ep.1 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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I don't have the wit to write something funny or truly compelling. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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I don't even have the vocabulary to do it, to simply reflect my mindset, and express my complex mental state. I don't even have the vocabulary to do it, to simply reflect my mindset, and express my complex mental state. "reflect" seems unusual here. You can reflect *on* or *upon* things, consider them. Otherwise, "to reflect something" generally implies acting in some way as a mirror. It's clear you're writing artistically but it's not clear *exactly* what you want reflect to mean. |
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The thoughts are overwhelming, changing, disturbing. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
They always accompany me, preventing me from concentrating on what really matters, on the moment. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
They decide. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
They make the rules. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
I shall just abide, like a puppet not in charge of its own life. I shall just abide, like a puppet not in charge of its own life. "shall" here seems to imply "I have decided that this is what I will do". That this is in some sense deliberate, and also that the decision to do this is a recent one. If you just want to describe the way you are, without expressing the decision to be that way, then "I just abide" would be more appropriate. |
|
Like a mindless spirit, a robot who has been programmed - quite badly - to obey a dysfunctional control centre. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
Sometimes, the puppet awakens and seems to have regained an autonomy, thoughts of its own. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
It's free, happy, reckless. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
|
It feels like the world is at its feet, as it is ready to paint the town red. It feels like the world is at its feet, as if it is ready to paint the town red. Or "that it is ready" |
|
Reckless, because now it's free, it is not ready to abide by anyone else's rules. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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