May 27, 2025
Only Yesterday
When I was in elementary school, our soccer club held a penalty-kick showdown between a Brazilian goalkeeper and a Japanese kicker. In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate, and as a fellow countryman he was enthusiastically cheering on the keeper. As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!”
The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen.
It was the first time I felt I’d witnessed such a cultural disconnect. Looking back, I realize now that he’d unwittingly committed a faux pas. After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since.
Only Yesterday
When I was in elementary school, our soccer club held a penalty-kick showdown between a Brazilian goalkeeper and a Japanese kicker.
In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate, and who, as a fellow countryman he, was enthusiastically cheering on the keeper.
Added “who” to connect the clauses more smoothly, and commas around “as a fellow countryman” improve readability by marking the parenthetical phrase.
As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out ato the kicker, “Miss it!”
¶ The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and. I could see him growing increasingly sullen.
“Shouted out at” is a bit awkward; “shouted to” is clearer and more natural when referring to speaking toward someone. The last sentence is a bit long and contains two independent clauses joined by “and.” Splitting into two sentences improves clarity and flow.
It was the first time I felt I’ had witnessed such a cultural disconnect.
Replaced the contraction “I’d” with “I had” for clarity and formality in writing.
Looking back, I realize now that he’ had unwittingly committed a faux pas.
Replacing the contraction “he’d” with “he had” makes it clearer and more formal.
After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, b. But somehow, that moment has stayed with me ever since.
The original is a run-on sentence with two independent ideas joined by “but.” Breaking it into two sentences improves readability. Added a comma after “somehow” for natural pause.
Feedback
The writing is clear and engaging with a strong narrative flow. Minor adjustments, like breaking up long sentences and refining phrasing, would improve readability and polish. Great storytelling!
May 29, 2025
Thank you so much for your encouraging feedback! I’ll use your suggestions to make the next draft even stronger.
When I was in elementary school, our soccer club held a penalty-kick showdown between a Brazilian goalkeeper and a Japanese kicker.
In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate, and as a fellow countryman he was enthusiastically cheering on the keeper.
As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!” The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen.
It was the first time I felt I’d witnessed such a cultural disconnect.
Looking back, I realize now that he’d unwittingly committed a faux pas.
After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since.
Feedback
Excellent!
In cultures like Brazil and here in the United States, it is seen as acceptable amongst schoolchildren to essentially mess with each other. So during sports and stuff, whenever a kicker, batter, etc is getting ready the opposing team members will shout stuff to distract them like "Miss it!", "Choke!", and those types of things. For us, it's 'acceptable' because everyone does it to each other and we know that we're only teasing. However, I can imagine it was a culture shock for the Brazilian kid to learn that such behavior is unacceptable in Japan. Since he was just a kid, hopefully no one gave him too much grief over it and he was able to learn to no longer do it and become a better person.
May 28, 2025
Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback! ! I hadn’t realized how ingrained that kind of teasing is in some cultures.
When I wasMY PREFERENCE: One day in elementary school, our soccer club held a penalty-kick showdown between a Brazilian goalkeeper and a Japanese kicker.
NOTE: This is event was only time, the phrase "One day in elementary school" is better than "When I was in elementary school."
In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate, and as a fellow countryman he was enthusiastically cheering on theed for the goal keeper.
As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!” The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen.
ItALSO POSSIBLE: This was themy first time I felt I’d witnessed suchexperience of a cultural disconnect.
Looking back, I realize now that he’d unwittingly committed a faux pas.
After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since.
Feedback
Interesting. Culture seems to permeate all activities, often in subtle ways.
May 28, 2025
Thank you for your corrections! I completely agree—culture really does influence even the smallest details of what we do.
As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!” The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen.
Looking back, I realize now that he’d unwittingly committed a faux pas.
After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since.
Feedback
Perfect, nice work.
May 28, 2025
Thank you so much!
As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!”
¶
The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand yet what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen.
After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since.
Feedback
Great work!
May 28, 2025
Thank you for your corrections!
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Only Yesterday This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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It was the first time I felt I’d witnessed such a cultural disconnect.
This sentence has been marked as perfect! It was the first time I felt I Replaced the contraction “I’d” with “I had” for clarity and formality in writing. |
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When I was in elementary school, our soccer club held a penalty-kick showdown between a Brazilian goalkeeper and a Japanese kicker.
NOTE: This is event was only time, the phrase "One day in elementary school" is better than "When I was in elementary school." This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate, and as a fellow countryman he was enthusiastically cheering on the keeper. In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate, and as a fellow countryman he This sentence has been marked as perfect! In the crowd was another Brazilian classmate Added “who” to connect the clauses more smoothly, and commas around “as a fellow countryman” improve readability by marking the parenthetical phrase. |
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Looking back, I realize now that he’d unwittingly committed a faux pas. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! Looking back, I realize now that he Replacing the contraction “he’d” with “he had” makes it clearer and more formal. |
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As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!” The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen. As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!” This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, another Brazilian classmate shouted “Shouted out at” is a bit awkward; “shouted to” is clearer and more natural when referring to speaking toward someone. The last sentence is a bit long and contains two independent clauses joined by “and.” Splitting into two sentences improves clarity and flow. |
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After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since. After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became, but somehow that moment has stayed with me ever since. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! After we graduated, I lost touch with both the Brazilian and Japanese kids, so I have no idea what kind of adults they became The original is a run-on sentence with two independent ideas joined by “but.” Breaking it into two sentences improves readability. Added a comma after “somehow” for natural pause. |
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As the kicker placed the ball and prepared to strike, one of the Brazilians shouted out at the kicker, “Miss it!” The Japanese kids watching all frowned and shook their heads, saying things like, “That’s not right,” “You shouldn’t say that,” and “That’s no good.” Caught off guard by the Japanese kids’ reaction, the Brazilian boy seemed bewildered and didn’t yet understand what was wrong with his remark, and I could see him growing increasingly sullen. |
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