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Korossol

March 27, 2021

0
Korossol On The Road 4

They were playing in the street. She didn't remember how or why but she and her brother – Jason – went from garden to garden, battling and chasing and generally having fun. They were causing a lot of ruckus but no one said anything so they stayed in their own little world, being horses and knights, thugs and thieves and kings of the castle. Then suddendly, everything stopped and Jason screamed. A hand just caught his arm, pointy nails scratching the soft skin. "Stop!" she screamed before even knowing what was happening. Then she saw. An old woman in a bathroom robe had come from the yellow house they were playing in front of and took Jason hostage. "Let him go!" she screamed again but the woman just screamed back. "Little hellions! Yelling and battling in MY garden, in front of MY door! I’m going to call your parents, just you see!"
As she was speaking, she was taking Jason in direction of the house. He was crying now.
Coldly she said : "Let him go." The sound resonated in the air like bells, echoes strangely coming back to her. The woman’s hand opened by its own volition : Jason heaped on the grass, crying like a baby. "Go away." she said to the woman who watched her like a monster. "Go right away from us." And the woman went. She went to the house, passed the front door, but she didn't close it. Years later, in her dreams, she was sure she heard the back door open when the old woman obey her orders and went away, way away from them.
("Where did she go?" ask a voice in the dreams. "Did she ever stop running?")

Corrections

She didn't remember how or why but she and her brother – Jason – went from garden to garden, battling and, chasing and generally having fun.

when making a list use commas up until the last item

" Go from us right away from us."

Might be more natural

Years later, in her dreams, she was sure she heard the back door open when the old woman obeyed her orders and went away, wayfar away from them.

("Where did she go?" asked a voice in the dreams. "Did she ever stop running?")

either asks or asked

tense

Feedback

Really great ! just a few phrases could sound a bit more natural.

Korossol's avatar
Korossol

March 31, 2021

0

Thank you! And tenses, never forget tenses...

Korossol On The Road 4


They were playing in the street.


She didn't remember how or why but she and her brother – Jason – went from garden to garden, battling and chasing and generally having fun.


She didn't remember how or why but she and her brother – Jason – went from garden to garden, battling and, chasing and generally having fun.

when making a list use commas up until the last item

They were causing a lot of ruckus but no one said anything so they stayed in their own little world, being horses and knights, thugs and thieves and kings of the castle.


Then suddendly, everything stopped and Jason screamed.


A hand just caught his arm, pointy nails scratching the soft skin.


"Stop!"


she screamed before even knowing what was happening.


Then she saw.


An old woman in a bathroom robe had come from the yellow house they were playing in front of and took Jason hostage.


"Let him go!"


she screamed again but the woman just screamed back.


"Little hellions!


Yelling and battling in MY garden, in front of MY door!


I’m going to call your parents, just you see!


"


As she was speaking, she was taking Jason in direction of the house.


He was crying now.


Coldly she said : "Let him go."


The sound resonated in the air like bells, echoes strangely coming back to her.


The woman’s hand opened by its own volition : Jason heaped on the grass, crying like a baby.


"Go away."


she said to the woman who watched her like a monster.


"Go right away from us."


" Go from us right away from us."

Might be more natural

And the woman went.


She went to the house, passed the front door, but she didn't close it.


Years later, in her dreams, she was sure she heard the back door open when the old woman obey her orders and went away, way away from them.


Years later, in her dreams, she was sure she heard the back door open when the old woman obeyed her orders and went away, wayfar away from them.

("Where did she go?" ask a voice in the dreams. "Did she ever stop running?")


("Where did she go?" asked a voice in the dreams. "Did she ever stop running?")

either asks or asked tense

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