ten o'clock, the candle lits up,s are lit. It looks like a summoning circle. ten o'clock, the candles are lit. It looks like a summoning circle.

ten o'clock, the candThe clock strikes 10. A summoning circle, lits up, looks like a summoning circle by candle light alone, is our choice of entertainment this night. The clock strikes 10. A summoning circle, lit by candle light alone, is our choice of entertainment this night.

Me withand my friends surround it, each making a point to stand at one of the stars vertices. Me and my friends surround it, each making a point to stand at one of the stars vertices.

Just giving more detail. Nothing is actually wrong with your sentence.

Suddenly this horrible, terrifying view comes upAn ugly, horned beast appears before us, rising from the circle below. An ugly, horned beast appears before us, rising from the circle below.

Saying something is horrible and terrifying is not super descriptive. What a reader wants, is to be able to picture the creature they summoned, and decide it's horrible and terrifying by themselves. The decription I gave is also pretty vague, but it's just an example. Your character has only just seen the creature. They first need to describe what the character looks like, and then from there, they can tell the audience how it makes them feel (and why they feel that way).

He doesn't know that,it and he gets up quickly, trying to escape from this betrayal. He doesn't know it and he gets up quickly, trying to escape from this betrayal.

He doesn't know that, he gets up quickly, trying to escape from this betrayalThe beast stands. Slowly stretching tall. Even with its face out of reach of candle light, I can feel it glaring at us. It roars and lunges at me, grazing the skin of my cheek with something hooked and sharp. The beast stands. Slowly stretching tall. Even with its face out of reach of candle light, I can feel it glaring at us. It roars and lunges at me, grazing the skin of my cheek with something hooked and sharp.

I made the demon more violent and off-putting here. Tried giving him a more dangerous feel.

We are all prepared, h. He gets pushed down, h. He knows... he fucked up. We are all prepared. He gets pushed down. He knows... he fucked up.

We all prepared, he gets pushed down, he knows... he fucked upThis is what we prepared for. It doesn't get a second swing in before it's flat on its back, flesh boiling and fur burning away from the cursed seals we tape to its body. This is what we prepared for. It doesn't get a second swing in before it's flat on its back, flesh boiling and fur burning away from the cursed seals we tape to its body.

Keeping in line with the story, I'm adding more personal details here. With your original sentence though, this is how I would fix it: "We all prepared. He gets pushed down. He knows... he fucked up." The changing of commas to periods help the flow on the sentences. These are all very different scenes a reader would be seeing in their head. Periods help show scene changes better than commas. Commas are more for moment to moment actions, not scene to scene. If that makes sense.

We're incantsinuating, this becomes more disturbing to him, h. He suffers, he and cries, begging for mercy. We're insinuating, this becomes more disturbing to him. He suffers and cries, begging for mercy.

I think you mean insinuating

We'rAs we incantating, this becomes more disturbing to him, he suffers, he cries, begging, the seals burn brighter and hotter. The flame of the candles spark and sputter. The beast cries, and moans, and begs for mercy. As we incant, the seals burn brighter and hotter. The flame of the candles spark and sputter. The beast cries, and moans, and begs for mercy.

"Incantating" is not a word, but "Incanting" is! I did opt for "incant" in my example sentence, because it flowed better with the direction I took the sentence in. I took out the word "disturbing" since it's too broad of an adjective, and also because it gave too much character/personality to the demon or entity they summoned. It showed us the experience through the demon's own eyes. If he is an established character, who you want the readers to feel bad for, then it could work, but just from what I read, he's not someone you should be feeling empathy for.

But we don't stop, this shit gets goingShow no mercy. Even as the smell of burnt hair and cooked skin coats our nostrils, show no mercy. The wails scratch our eardrums, and still we will show no mercy. Show no mercy. Even as the smell of burnt hair and cooked skin coats our nostrils, show no mercy. The wails scratch our eardrums, and still we will show no mercy.

Describe the "shit" that gets going, rather than just saying that it does.

The internal from him goes outside, it gets worst... The internal from him goes outside, it gets worst...

Doesn't quite makes sense, I think you mean something like "His soul leaves his body"

The internal from him goes outside, it gets worst...flames burrow through its back and begin to burst out of its chest The flames burrow through its back and begin to burst out of its chest

Not entirely sure what you mean here. I can think of two senarios. 1. The demon's is literally turned inside out. 2. Whatever evil resides within him is being pulled out of his body. 3. His internal injuries begin to surface I just went with 3.

"...I can't take it anymore."Its screams die when its chest gives way to flame. A small mercy for our eardrums, but as for the beast... Its screams die when its chest gives way to flame. A small mercy for our eardrums, but as for the beast...

Instead of the beast saying anything, he should just...not. His mind would be too focused on pain to form words. Have him show that he's at his breaking point. Or have your character explain to themeself or the others in their group to keep going, because the beast can't take much more.

The last words I heard. The last words I hear.

Changing tense to fix the story

The last word I heardonly noise now is the whoosh of flames, and the popping of its skin. The only noise now is the whoosh of flames, and the popping of its skin.

Nothing wrong here grammatically, just commenting because I feel like saying that this doesn't fit anymore with the rest of the rewritten story. Whoops. But, the show must go on, so I changed it to better match the rest.

We wasere successfully in forceing him to watch Boku no Pico (don't search it up) We were successful in forcing him to watch Boku no Pico (don't search it up)

We was successfullyThe beast doesn't die. We never intended for it to die. We simply wanted to catch it...and force himit to watch Boku nNo Pico. (don't search it up*Insert evil laughter here*) The beast doesn't die. We never intended for it to die. We simply wanted to catch it...and force it to watch Boku No Pico. (*Insert evil laughter here*)

Oh no...they were the demons all along.

P.S. I want to be a novelist for just today. P.S. I want to be a novelist for just today.

Same here