March 30, 2021
GRE Argument 19
I'm aiming for scoring 4.5 in the GRE analytical writing session. Please make a judgement of my essay and teach me how to revise it. Thanks a lot.
Prompt:
The following appeared in a letter to the editor of Parson City's local newspaper.
"In our region of Trillura, the majority of money spent on the schools that most students attend — the city-run public schools — comes from taxes that each city government collects. The region's cities differ, however, in the budgetary priority they give to public education. For example, both as a proportion of its overall tax revenues and in absolute terms, Parson City has recently spent almost twice as much per year as Blue City has for its public schools — even though both cities have about the same number of residents. Clearly, Parson City residents place a higher value on providing a good education in public schools than Blue City residents do."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
My Essay:
In the prompt, the author argues that Parson City residents pay more attention to the education quality in public schools than Blue City residents do. The author mentions Parson City spends more tax revenues on education than Blue City, both as a proportion and in absolute terms. However, three weaknesses remain before the author's claim holds water.
To begin with, although the author claims that two cities have nearly the same number of populations, s/he doesn't mention the constituents. It is possible that Blue City has much more elders and fewer adolescents than Parson City. Under this circumstance, the residents in Blue City will ask for fewer education chances than residents in Parson City. Therefore, the difference between the money they spend on public schools can't lead to the difference between the importance they attach to education. Blue City just suffer less pressure of offering public education. It may spend more money on medical care instead.
Even though the two cities have almost the same number of adolescents, the situation changes if there are students from other regions. Public schools in Parson City may enjoy better reputations so there will be tremendous students from other cities, maybe Blue City, come there seeking education. These students will not contribute to the city's population because they will go back to their home town after school. Therefore, Parson City will have more students than Blue City thus definitely spend more money on public schools.
Moreover, the development of public schools in two cities may at different stages, resulting in the difference between the budgetary priorities of the two cities. Most public schools in Parson City possibly are under construction and need lots of money for the buildings and equipment while Blue City may already has a very complete education system. So Blue City's only concern is the daily expense at maintenance and salaries paid to the employees. Therefore, Blue City spends less money than Parson City on public schools.
In conclusion, the author fails to prove that residents in Parson City residents place a higher value on providing public schools than Blue City residents do. Unless s/he makes clear that the constituents of two cities' populations are similar, the number of students are similar, and the number of schools under construction are similar, the author's opinion is open to criticism.
GRE Argument 19
I'm aiming for scoring 4.5 in the GRE analytical writing session.
Please make a judgement of my essay and teach me how to revise it.
Thanks a lot.
Prompt:
The following appeared in a letter to the editor of Parson City's local newspaper.
"In our region of Trillura, the majority of money spent on the schools that most students attend — the city-run public schools — comes from taxes that each city government collects.
The region's cities differ, however, in the budgetary priority they give to public education.
For example, both as a proportion of its overall tax revenues and in absolute terms, Parson City has recently spent almost twice as much per year as Blue City has for its public schools — even though both cities have about the same number of residents.
Clearly, Parson City residents place a higher value on providing a good education in public schools than Blue City residents do.
"
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
My Essay:
In the prompt, the author argues that Parson City residents pay more attention to the education quality in public schools than Blue City residents do.
The author mentions Parson City spends more tax revenues on education than Blue City, both as a proportion and in absolute terms.
However, three weaknesses remain before the author's claim holds water.
To begin with, although the author claims that two cities have nearly the same number of populationresidents, s/he doesn't mention the constituents.
"Population" is a term for a group of people taken as a whole, so it cannot be quantified as you did in the sentence. I substituted "residents" which is more appropriate.
It is possible that Blue City has muchany more elders and fewer adolescents than Parson City.
"much" describes an uncountable number, "many" is for countable items (in this case elders and adolescents).
Under this circumstance, the residents in Blue City will ask for fewer education chancopportunities than residents in Parson City.
Therefore, the difference between the amoneyunts they spend on public schools can't lead to thedoes not imply a difference between the importance they attach to education.
Blue City justsimply suffers less pressure tof offering public education.
It may spend more money on medical care instead.
Even though the two cities have almost the same number of adolescents, the situation changes if there arewe consider students fromliving in other regions.
The phrase "there are students" is vague. Are they already in the cities? Are they living in another region and thinking about coming to one of the cities? The edited version makes it clear the students from other regions are not yet in the cities.
Public schools in Parson City may enjoy better reputations so there will be tremendousmany students from other cities, maybe even Blue City, comeing there seeking education.
The word "tremendous" does not describe countable items, in this case students.
These students will not contribute to the city's population because they will go back to their home town after school.
Therefore, Parson City will have more students than Blue City thus, and will definitely spend more money on public schools.
Moreover, the development of public schools in two cities may be at different stages, resulting in the difference between their budgetary priorities of the two cities.
Most public schools in Parson City possibly are under construction and need lots of money for the buildings and equipment while Blue City may already hasve a very complete education system.
So Blue City's only concern is the daily expense at maintenance and salaries paid to the employees.
The use of "so" to start a sentence is acceptable for speaking or informal writing, but not in a formal essay such as this one.
Therefore, Blue City spends less money than Parson City on public schools.
In conclusion, the author fails to prove that residents in Parson City residents place a higher value on providing public schools than Blue City residents do.
Unless s/he makes clear that the constituents of two cities' populations are similar, the number of students are similar, and the number of schools under construction are similar, the author's opinion is open to criticism.
April 2, 2021
I'm very grateful for your help. Could you talk more about the essay's clarity and development? I'm worrying about these since I heard that typical GRE AW essays have more than 500 words but I can only type less than 400 words within 30 minutes. I am not sure my essay will still be engaging if I write it in a very concise style.
April 2, 2021
It's interesting you say that because many writers and editors feel that a concise style is more direct and engaging with the reader. A long essay does not necessarily make for an engaging essay. When I correct essays written by non-native English speakers, I tend to take a light approach to corrections, because I don't want to rewrite their prose in my personal style. Only if the text is especially awkward will I resort to rephrasing. When reviewing this text, there were times when I was tempted to rewrite some sentences to make them shorter and to the point, while retaining the meaning, but I chose not to do so. There were a few opportunities (as in the final sentence, for example) to simply delete some redundant verbiage while preserving all of the content. You are an advanced learner, so perhaps I erred on the side of caution and I should have provided more suggestions on overall development and less on grammar.
April 2, 2021
I rewrote your essay as I would do as a native speaker. Your original submission was 389 words, mine is 333.
The author argues that Parson City residents value the quality of education in public schools more than Blue City. He/she asserts Parson City spends more of its tax revenue on education, both proportionally and in absolute terms. However, on three specific points the author’s claim does not hold water.
For starters, the author claims both cities have nearly the same population, but neglects to mention their respective composition. It is possible Blue City has more elders and fewer adolescents than Parson City. In that case, Blue City needs fewer education opportunities than Parson City, and the difference in expenditures does not indicate a lack of support for public education. Blue City may spend those tax revenues elsewhere, for example to offer more and better medical care.
Although both cities have nearly the same number of adolescents, to get a fuller picture we must also consider students living in other regions. If public schools in Parson City enjoy a high reputation, students from other cities, perhaps even Blue City, would attend Parson City’s schools. They would not count as part of the city’s population because they do not reside there. In such case, Parson City would have more students than Blue City and in turn spend more money on public schools.
Finally, the two cities may be at different stages in development of their public schools, and hence budgetary priorities may differ. Parson City may have several public schools under construction, requiring a larger budget for building construction and equipment. By contrast, Blue City may already have a well-developed educational system, in which case their only budgetary concerns are maintenance expenses and employee salaries. That would mean Blue City spends less on public schools.
In conclusion, the author fails to offer a compelling argument that Parson City residents value public schools more than Blue City residents. Until s/he clarifies the population composition, the number of students, and the number of schools under construction in both cities, their opinion remains open to criticism.
April 2, 2021
One final comment. Though I believe my version is clearer, more concise and is closer to the ideal of how an essay like this should read, that may not be how the GRE test administrators see it. You should try to write to the style the test administrators expect to see.
April 3, 2021
A lot of thanks! In the future I will continue to write in a concise style and try my best to attach more specific details and logics to enrich my essay.
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GRE Argument 19 This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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I'm aiming for scoring 4.5 in the GRE analytical writing session. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Prompt: This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The following appeared in a letter to the editor of Parson City's local newspaper. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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"In our region of Trillura, the majority of money spent on the schools that most students attend — the city-run public schools — comes from taxes that each city government collects. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Please make a judgement of my essay and teach me how to revise it. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Thanks a lot. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The region's cities differ, however, in the budgetary priority they give to public education. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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For example, both as a proportion of its overall tax revenues and in absolute terms, Parson City has recently spent almost twice as much per year as Blue City has for its public schools — even though both cities have about the same number of residents. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Clearly, Parson City residents place a higher value on providing a good education in public schools than Blue City residents do. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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" This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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My Essay: This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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In the prompt, the author argues that Parson City residents pay more attention to the education quality in public schools than Blue City residents do. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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The author mentions Parson City spends more tax revenues on education than Blue City, both as a proportion and in absolute terms. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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However, three weaknesses remain before the author's claim holds water. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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To begin with, although the author claims that two cities have nearly the same number of populations, s/he doesn't mention the constituents. To begin with, although the author claims that two cities have nearly the same number of "Population" is a term for a group of people taken as a whole, so it cannot be quantified as you did in the sentence. I substituted "residents" which is more appropriate. |
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It is possible that Blue City has much more elders and fewer adolescents than Parson City. It is possible that Blue City has m "much" describes an uncountable number, "many" is for countable items (in this case elders and adolescents). |
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Under this circumstance, the residents in Blue City will ask for fewer education chances than residents in Parson City. Under this circumstance, the residents in Blue City will ask for fewer education |
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Therefore, the difference between the money they spend on public schools can't lead to the difference between the importance they attach to education. Therefore, the difference between the amo |
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Blue City just suffer less pressure of offering public education. Blue City |
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It may spend more money on medical care instead. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Even though the two cities have almost the same number of adolescents, the situation changes if there are students from other regions. Even though the two cities have almost the same number of adolescents, the situation changes if The phrase "there are students" is vague. Are they already in the cities? Are they living in another region and thinking about coming to one of the cities? The edited version makes it clear the students from other regions are not yet in the cities. |
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Public schools in Parson City may enjoy better reputations so there will be tremendous students from other cities, maybe Blue City, come there seeking education. Public schools in Parson City may enjoy better reputations so there will be The word "tremendous" does not describe countable items, in this case students. |
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These students will not contribute to the city's population because they will go back to their home town after school. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Therefore, Parson City will have more students than Blue City thus definitely spend more money on public schools. Therefore, Parson City will have more students than Blue City |
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Moreover, the development of public schools in two cities may at different stages, resulting in the difference between the budgetary priorities of the two cities. Moreover, the development of public schools in two cities may be at different stages, resulting in the difference between their budgetary priorities |
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Most public schools in Parson City possibly are under construction and need lots of money for the buildings and equipment while Blue City may already has a very complete education system. Most public schools in Parson City possibly are under construction and need lots of money for |
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So Blue City's only concern is the daily expense at maintenance and salaries paid to the employees.
The use of "so" to start a sentence is acceptable for speaking or informal writing, but not in a formal essay such as this one. |
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Therefore, Blue City spends less money than Parson City on public schools. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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In conclusion, the author fails to prove that residents in Parson City residents place a higher value on providing public schools than Blue City residents do. In conclusion, the author fails to prove that residents in Parson City |
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Unless s/he makes clear that the constituents of two cities' populations are similar, the number of students are similar, and the number of schools under construction are similar, the author's opinion is open to criticism. Unless s/he makes clear that the |
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