June 17, 2025
End of Days
Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was doing some illegal mining job for the Concordance Extraction Corporation (CEC) when an alien artifact was found on planet Aegis VII. The Church of Unitology took interest in it, and they gave Ben a mission: get that artifact on board the ship for study. The Church even pulled some strings to get a bunch of their devout followers involved in the mission. One of them was Dr. Kyle, who was put in charge of figuring out the artifact, and he was apparently doing a pretty good job.
[...]
As if retrieving the Singularity Core for the shuttle he needed to repair wasn’t already a pain in the ass, now Isaac also had to find its navigation cards. The chapter had barely begun when he received a transmission from Kendra, tasking him with this new objective.
While searching for the cards, Isaac soon encountered Mercer, with Temple tied to a chair behind thick glass. According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to for Nicole. But in Temple’s case, it was already too late. Elizabeth was dead, her body lying on the floor next to him. Mercer talked some bullshit about her being a true Church believer or whatever. He had clearly killed her without mercy. In the middle of his speech, he drove a stake through Temple’s head, killing him instantly. Blood splattered on the glass. Isaac couldn’t do shit but watch. Then the sick fuck just walked away.
Heading for the area where he could find the last navigation card, Isaac hit a dead end. After grabbing the card, the Hunter showed up again and started chasing him, so he’d to turn back and run. Once he manages to lose the monster, he goes to meet Dr. Kyne. Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor.
Kyne showed Isaac a short video of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII. It was controlling the Necromorphs telepathically. Bringing the alien artifact on board the USG Ishimura had been a huge blunder—it had been containing the Hive Mind within the planet. The only way to end all this madness was to return the artifact and seal the creature. But first, Isaac needed to finish repairing the shuttle so he could load the artifact onto it. Once the artifact was onboard, they could finally fly it down to the planet.
After repairing the shuttle, Isaac still couldn’t launch it right away—he needed to test-fire the engines first and then release the shuttle by undocking it. Of course, the Hunter returned to piss him off one last time. Isaac burned that bastard with a blast from the shuttle’s engines. After that, Kyne arrived and told him he needed to guide the undocking procedure while Kyne started the shuttle’s engines. Isaac had to meet him at the flight deck.
Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was doing some illegal mining job for the Concordance Extraction Corporation (CEC) when an alien artifact was found on planet Aegis VII.
"...some illegal mining job..." is fine, but it has a tone of casual flippancy. It's a short version of "some illegal mining job or other". It's a little odd from the perspective of a neutral narrator. If this were written from the POV of Captain Ben, I'd consider him to be bored or irritated by these kind of jobs.
More neutral: "Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was in the middle of an illegal mining job..."
The Church of Unitology took interest in it, and they gave Ben a mission: gGet that artifact, and get it on board thehis ship for study.
Also: "Church of Unitology took an interest in it..."
"Get that artifact, and get it..." - sounds more natural. The mission is really two parts, so breaking it up makes more sense.
"...his ship..." - 'the ship' requires everyone knowing the specific ship they're talking about beforehand.
You can also say 'their ship' if you meant the Church had its own ship they wanted Ben to bring it to, or you could be more specific and say something like, "the science ship".
I assumed you meant Ben's ship, so I added 'his', but the ambiguity of what ship is being discussed is why you can't use 'the'.
The Church even pulled some strings to get a bunch of their devout followers involved in the mission.
One of them was Dr. Kyle, who was put in charge of figuring out the artifact, and he was apparently already doing a pretty good job.
Since they don't have the artifact yet, it sounds weird to say he's 'doing a pretty good job'.
'Already' addresses the strangeness of him already successfully studying an artifact they don't have yet, so it sounds more natural.
[...]
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As if retrieving the Singularity Core for the shuttle he needed to repair wasn’t already a pain in the ass, now Isaac also had to find its navigation cards.
Assuming 'navigation cards' is a normal fictional item in the game world, this sentence is fine.
The chapter had barely begun when he received a transmission from Kendra, tasking him with this new objective.
The previous sentence was from Isaac's POV ('wasn't already a pain in the ass...' sounds as though it's from Isaac's perspective), but this sentence starting with 'the chapter' moves it back to the neutral narrator's POV. This is very confusing for a reader.
While searching for the cards, Isaac soon encountered Mercer, withho had Temple tied to a chair behind thick glass.
Assuming Mercer is the one who trapped Temple, this sentence makes more sentence. Otherwise you need to split it up more thoroughly (separate sentences), or more clearly state how Mercer and Temple relate to each other.
It also sounds like Temple is alone on the other side of the glass because of the placement of "behind thick glass" in the same description as him being tied to a chair. It sounds like it applies to him alone. Mercer would be assumed to be elsewhere, not behind the glass.
Option: "...encountered Mercer and Temple. Both were on the other side of thick glass, and Temple was tied to a chair." - assumes 'Mercer and Temple' were both colleagues of Isaac's and finding them together is not strange. Temple being tied to a chair may or may not have to do with Mercer.
(What Mercer is doing should immediately follow, as in: "Temple was tied to a chair behind thick glass, while Mercer stood on the other side, ranting..." or "...Isaac could see them behind a thick pane of glass. Temple was tied to a chair. Mercer stood over him, and didn't seem to be trying to help."
According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to for Nicole.
Ending on 'wanted to for Nicole' - not bad, just a little clunky. Also sounds a bit odd to suddenly have a rescue mission brought up when earlier you were talking about finding artifacts and navigation cards. Something as serious as finding a missing friend should come up as a motivation earlier in narrative or summary. (It also sounds a bit silly - how many girlfriends are lost on this one ship, exactly?)
Otherwise this is fine, but you can't have it before clarifying what Mercer is doing in the scene with Temple.
But in Temple’s case, it was already too late.
Elizabeth was dead, her body lying on the floor next to him.
Mercer talked some bullshit about her being a true Church believer or whatever.
Did you mean "...not being a true believer..."?
He had clearly killed her without mercy.
In the middle of his speech, he drove a stake through Temple’s head, killing him instantly.
Blood splattered on the glass.
Isaac couldn’t do shit but watch.
Then the sick fuck just walked away.
Heading for the area where he could find the last navigation card, Isaac hit a dead end.
This sounds like Isaac hit a dead end while on his way to grabbing the last navigation card, not after finding it. If the Hunter in the next sentence is the 'dead end' you are talking about, then rewording this sentence is probably a good idea. Otherwise clarify that Isaac hit a head end, but managed to get around it somehow to arrive at the next sentence.
After grabbing the card, the Hunter showed up again and started chasing him, so he’ad to turn backaround and run.
Once he manages to lose the monster, he goes to meet Dr. Kyne.
Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor.
"...he goes to meet Dr. Kyne, but before he could, Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor..." - connecting these sentences sounds better.
Kyne showed Isaac a short video of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII.
Grammatically fine, but the last several sentences have bounced around way too much. You have to tie the sentences together. Here you could say something like 'Isaac went to see Kyne anyway, where the doctor showed Isaac a short video..."
It was controlling the Necromorphs telepathically.
Bringing the alien artifact on board the USG Ishimura had been a huge blunder—i. It had been containing the Hive Mind within the planet.
em-dash isn't necessarily bad, but I'd go with a semi-colon or period for this particular scenario.
The only way to end all this madness was to return the artifact and seal the creature.
But first, Isaac needed to finish repairing the shuttle so he could load the artifact onto it.
Once the artifact was onboard, they could finally fly it down to the planet.
After repairing the shuttle, Isaac still couldn’t launch it right away—he needed to test-fire the engines first and then release the shuttle by undocking it.
Of course, the Hunter returned to piss him off one last time.
Isaac burned that bastard with a blast from the shuttle’s engines.
After that, Kyne arrived and told him he needed to be the one to guide the undocking procedure while Kyne started the shuttle’s engines.
Isaac had to meet him at the flight deck.
Feedback
Not bad! Sounds like you maybe used a machine translator to help out sometimes? No problem, just make sure not to rely on it too much!
Try to keep a consistent POV, but other than that, good summary! I understood what was happening.
Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was doing somean illegal mining job for the Concordance Extraction Corporation (CEC) when an alien artifact was found on planet Aegis VII.
The Church of Unitology took interest in it, and they gave Ben a mission: get that artifact on board the ship for study.
It's obvious by the fact that they are sending him on a mission to retrieve that it is of interest to them. You could also note that this is particularly noteworthy by saying "They changed Ben's mission" instead, since he was already doing a mission for them. Unless, this is a part of the illegal mining operation he was already participating in.
The Church even pulled some strings to get a bunchAlong with Ben, the Church sent some of their devout followers involved in the missionwith him.
It seems like this should perhaps be a pretty straightforward thing for them to do. The way I have it here is perhaps still a bit clunky. You could also try "The team they gave Ben to work with consisted of some of the Church's most devout followers.
One of them was, Dr. Kyle, who was put in charge of figuring out the artifact, and he was apparently doing a pretty good jobstudying the artifact.
Write out the details that would indicate to Ben that he's doing a good job. Show, don't tell. Also, elaborate on what "figuring out" the artifact means. I changed it to studying here.
[...]
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As if retrieving the Singularity Core foto repair the shuttle he needed to repair wasn’t already a pain in the ass, now Isaac also had to find its navigation cards.
Not sure what is meant by navigation cards. Does the shuttle have a set of cards that are used to get to certain set locations? Or did you mean navigation coords, as in coordinates, perhaps for the Singularity Core. Although that doesn't quite make sense as this is an addition to his existing mission, and his existing mission would've already required he had them. Maybe they got lost or destroyed.
The chapter had barely begun when he received a transmission from KendraA message from Kendra had interrupted him, tasking him with this new objective.
I'd put this sentence before the last one. Or keep it as I have it. I think you should describe how he receives the message, and the physical way he responds when he receives it, does he groan? Does he throw his communication device on the ground?
While searching for the cards, Isaac soon encountered Mercer, with Temple tied to a chair behind thick glass.
This sentence while technically correct, should be developed. I imagine in the part you omitted we may get to know Mercer and Temple, but you should still describe some of this process, how did he find them? Where does he find them? Is this room relevant to his search for the cards? How? And also, have you previously established that we should be suspicious of Mercer? If you haven't, that would be good to add so you can build tension.
According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to for Nicole.
I would show the logs that Temple left around the ship, and then not re-elaborate here. But maybe draw out one specific detail from the logs that Isaac remembers that is particularly poignant.
But in Temple’s case, it was already too late.
Elizabeth was dead, her body lying on the floor next to him.
Mercer talked some bullshit about her being a true Church believer or whatever.
I would show this piece of dialogue.
He had clearly killed her without mercy.
I would depict what makes this clear to Isaac.
In the middle of his speech, heMercer drove a stake through Temple’s head, killing him instantlyhis body went limp.
Blood splattered on the glass.
Isaac couldn’t do shit but watched.
I'd make sure to build up the relationship between him and Mercer that makes him unable to intervene.
Then the sick fuck justMercer walked away.
Repeating the structure of the previous sentence as I have it. Be careful with using too many swear words, in this case it puts a buffer between the reader and the action making it feel less immediate and serious.
Heading for tThe area where he could find the last navigation card, Isaac hit was a dead end.
"Dead end" also has the figurative meaning being a point where you can make no more progress in your mission, which this clearly isn't as he finds the card, perhaps change the wording altogether.
After grabbing the card, the Hunter showed up again and started chasing him, so he’d tohe turned back and ruan.
Once he managesd to lose the monster, he goes towent meet Dr. Kyne.
Describe the monster and the chase scene.
Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor.
Show this interaction.
Kyne showed Isaac a short video of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII.
I would describe this video, what it looks like, the process of Kyne pulling out the video. What is the video being displayed on? How does the interaction beforehand go? Kyne is probably disturbed, but maybe not, show that.
It was controlling the Necromorphs telepathically.
Bringing the alien artifact on board the USG Ishimura had been a huge blunder—it had been containing the Hive Mind within the planet.
The only way to end all this madness was to return the artifact and seal the creature.
But first, Isaac needed to finish repairing the shuttle so he could load the artifact onto it.
Once the artifact was onboard, they could finally fly it down to the planet.
After repairing the shuttle, Isaac still couldn’t launch it right awayIsaac still couldn’t launch the shuttle right after repairing it—he needed to test-fire the engines first and then release the shuttle by undocking it.
Of course, the Hunter returned to piss him off one last time.
Isaac burned that bastard with a blast from the shuttle’s engines.
After that, Kyne arrived and told him he needed to guide the undocking procedure while Kyne started the shuttle’s engines.
Isaac had to meet him at the flight deck.
Feedback
I'd say this is mostly grammatically correct. And the story has the bones of an interesting sci-fi story. But you need to actually show us what is happening, what these characters are doing and seeing and feeling. As is, it feels more like the summary of a story than an actual story. Again, I think it's a good start and you clearly are far past A1 proficiency in English, but it needs some developing and fleshing out to really engage the reader and feel fully alive.
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The Church even pulled some strings to get a bunch of their devout followers involved in the mission.
It seems like this should perhaps be a pretty straightforward thing for them to do. The way I have it here is perhaps still a bit clunky. You could also try "The team they gave Ben to work with consisted of some of the Church's most devout followers. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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One of them was Dr. Kyle, who was put in charge of figuring out the artifact, and he was apparently doing a pretty good job. One of them Write out the details that would indicate to Ben that he's doing a good job. Show, don't tell. Also, elaborate on what "figuring out" the artifact means. I changed it to studying here. One of them was Dr. Kyle, who was put in charge of figuring out the artifact, and he was apparently already doing a pretty good job. Since they don't have the artifact yet, it sounds weird to say he's 'doing a pretty good job'. 'Already' addresses the strangeness of him already successfully studying an artifact they don't have yet, so it sounds more natural. |
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[...] As if retrieving the Singularity Core for the shuttle he needed to repair wasn’t already a pain in the ass, now Isaac also had to find its navigation cards. [...] Not sure what is meant by navigation cards. Does the shuttle have a set of cards that are used to get to certain set locations? Or did you mean navigation coords, as in coordinates, perhaps for the Singularity Core. Although that doesn't quite make sense as this is an addition to his existing mission, and his existing mission would've already required he had them. Maybe they got lost or destroyed. [...] Assuming 'navigation cards' is a normal fictional item in the game world, this sentence is fine. |
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The chapter had barely begun when he received a transmission from Kendra, tasking him with this new objective.
I'd put this sentence before the last one. Or keep it as I have it. I think you should describe how he receives the message, and the physical way he responds when he receives it, does he groan? Does he throw his communication device on the ground? The chapter had barely begun when he received a transmission from Kendra, tasking him with this new objective. The previous sentence was from Isaac's POV ('wasn't already a pain in the ass...' sounds as though it's from Isaac's perspective), but this sentence starting with 'the chapter' moves it back to the neutral narrator's POV. This is very confusing for a reader. |
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While searching for the cards, Isaac soon encountered Mercer, with Temple tied to a chair behind thick glass. While searching for the cards, Isaac soon encountered Mercer, with Temple tied to a chair behind thick glass. This sentence while technically correct, should be developed. I imagine in the part you omitted we may get to know Mercer and Temple, but you should still describe some of this process, how did he find them? Where does he find them? Is this room relevant to his search for the cards? How? And also, have you previously established that we should be suspicious of Mercer? If you haven't, that would be good to add so you can build tension. While searching for the cards, Isaac soon encountered Mercer, w Assuming Mercer is the one who trapped Temple, this sentence makes more sentence. Otherwise you need to split it up more thoroughly (separate sentences), or more clearly state how Mercer and Temple relate to each other. It also sounds like Temple is alone on the other side of the glass because of the placement of "behind thick glass" in the same description as him being tied to a chair. It sounds like it applies to him alone. Mercer would be assumed to be elsewhere, not behind the glass. Option: "...encountered Mercer and Temple. Both were on the other side of thick glass, and Temple was tied to a chair." - assumes 'Mercer and Temple' were both colleagues of Isaac's and finding them together is not strange. Temple being tied to a chair may or may not have to do with Mercer. (What Mercer is doing should immediately follow, as in: "Temple was tied to a chair behind thick glass, while Mercer stood on the other side, ranting..." or "...Isaac could see them behind a thick pane of glass. Temple was tied to a chair. Mercer stood over him, and didn't seem to be trying to help." |
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According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to for Nicole. According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to for Nicole. I would show the logs that Temple left around the ship, and then not re-elaborate here. But maybe draw out one specific detail from the logs that Isaac remembers that is particularly poignant. According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to for Nicole. Ending on 'wanted to for Nicole' - not bad, just a little clunky. Also sounds a bit odd to suddenly have a rescue mission brought up when earlier you were talking about finding artifacts and navigation cards. Something as serious as finding a missing friend should come up as a motivation earlier in narrative or summary. (It also sounds a bit silly - how many girlfriends are lost on this one ship, exactly?) Otherwise this is fine, but you can't have it before clarifying what Mercer is doing in the scene with Temple. |
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But in Temple’s case, it was already too late. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Mercer talked some bullshit about her being a true Church believer or whatever. Mercer talked some bullshit about her being a true Church believer or whatever. I would show this piece of dialogue. Mercer talked some bullshit about her being a true Did you mean "...not being a true believer..."? |
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He had clearly killed her without mercy. He had clearly killed her without mercy. I would depict what makes this clear to Isaac. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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In the middle of his speech, he drove a stake through Temple’s head, killing him instantly. In the middle of his speech, This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Blood splattered on the glass. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Once he manages to lose the monster, he goes to meet Dr. Kyne. Once he manage Describe the monster and the chase scene. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor. Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor. Show this interaction. Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor. "...he goes to meet Dr. Kyne, but before he could, Kendra contacted him, warning him about the doctor..." - connecting these sentences sounds better. |
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It was controlling the Necromorphs telepathically. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Bringing the alien artifact on board the USG Ishimura had been a huge blunder—it had been containing the Hive Mind within the planet. This sentence has been marked as perfect! Bringing the alien artifact on board the USG Ishimura had been a huge blunder em-dash isn't necessarily bad, but I'd go with a semi-colon or period for this particular scenario. |
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The only way to end all this madness was to return the artifact and seal the creature. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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But first, Isaac needed to finish repairing the shuttle so he could load the artifact onto it. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Once the artifact was onboard, they could finally fly it down to the planet. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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After repairing the shuttle, Isaac still couldn’t launch it right away—he needed to test-fire the engines first and then release the shuttle by undocking it.
This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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End of Days |
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Elizabeth was dead, her body lying on the floor next to him. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Then the sick fuck just walked away.
Repeating the structure of the previous sentence as I have it. Be careful with using too many swear words, in this case it puts a buffer between the reader and the action making it feel less immediate and serious. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was doing some illegal mining job for the Concordance Extraction Corporation (CEC) when an alien artifact was found on planet Aegis VII. Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was doing Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was doing some illegal mining job for the Concordance Extraction Corporation (CEC) when an alien artifact was found on planet Aegis VII. "...some illegal mining job..." is fine, but it has a tone of casual flippancy. It's a short version of "some illegal mining job or other". It's a little odd from the perspective of a neutral narrator. If this were written from the POV of Captain Ben, I'd consider him to be bored or irritated by these kind of jobs. More neutral: "Captain Ben, a Unitologist, was in the middle of an illegal mining job..." |
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The Church of Unitology took interest in it, and they gave Ben a mission: get that artifact on board the ship for study. The It's obvious by the fact that they are sending him on a mission to retrieve that it is of interest to them. You could also note that this is particularly noteworthy by saying "They changed Ben's mission" instead, since he was already doing a mission for them. Unless, this is a part of the illegal mining operation he was already participating in. The Church of Unitology took interest Also: "Church of Unitology took an interest in it..." "Get that artifact, and get it..." - sounds more natural. The mission is really two parts, so breaking it up makes more sense. "...his ship..." - 'the ship' requires everyone knowing the specific ship they're talking about beforehand. You can also say 'their ship' if you meant the Church had its own ship they wanted Ben to bring it to, or you could be more specific and say something like, "the science ship". I assumed you meant Ben's ship, so I added 'his', but the ambiguity of what ship is being discussed is why you can't use 'the'. |
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Isaac burned that bastard with a blast from the shuttle’s engines. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Isaac couldn’t do shit but watch. Isaac I'd make sure to build up the relationship between him and Mercer that makes him unable to intervene. This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Heading for the area where he could find the last navigation card, Isaac hit a dead end.
"Dead end" also has the figurative meaning being a point where you can make no more progress in your mission, which this clearly isn't as he finds the card, perhaps change the wording altogether. Heading for the area where he could find the last navigation card, Isaac hit a dead end. This sounds like Isaac hit a dead end while on his way to grabbing the last navigation card, not after finding it. If the Hunter in the next sentence is the 'dead end' you are talking about, then rewording this sentence is probably a good idea. Otherwise clarify that Isaac hit a head end, but managed to get around it somehow to arrive at the next sentence. |
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Of course, the Hunter returned to piss him off one last time. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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After grabbing the card, the Hunter showed up again and started chasing him, so he’d to turn back and run. After grabbing the card, the Hunter showed up again and started chasing him, After grabbing the card, the Hunter showed up again and started chasing him, so h |
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Kyne showed Isaac a short video of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII. Kyne showed Isaac a short video of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII. I would describe this video, what it looks like, the process of Kyne pulling out the video. What is the video being displayed on? How does the interaction beforehand go? Kyne is probably disturbed, but maybe not, show that. Kyne showed Isaac a short video of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII. Grammatically fine, but the last several sentences have bounced around way too much. You have to tie the sentences together. Here you could say something like 'Isaac went to see Kyne anyway, where the doctor showed Isaac a short video..." |
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After that, Kyne arrived and told him he needed to guide the undocking procedure while Kyne started the shuttle’s engines. This sentence has been marked as perfect! After that, Kyne arrived and told him he needed to be the one to guide the undocking procedure while Kyne started the shuttle’s engines. |
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Isaac had to meet him at the flight deck. This sentence has been marked as perfect! This sentence has been marked as perfect! |
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Kyne showed Isaac a short video clip of a massive creature that Mercer called the “Hive Mind,” which had been found at the core of Aegis VII. |
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According to logs Temple left around the ship, he’d been desperately searching for his girlfriend, Elizabeth, hoping to get her off the ship—just as Isaac wanted to do for Nicole. |
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